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George Carlin... |
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George Carlin: eloquent...and so very appropriate
What a difference a sad event in someone's life makes.
GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...) Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could
write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.
A wonderful
Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have
taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower
viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We
have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more
experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too
little, watch TV too much , and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too
much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to
life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but
have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer
space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom,
but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but
accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more
computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small
character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are
days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to
quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to
you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give
a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love
you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?
George Carlin
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Don't wait for the light at the end of the tunnel. Stride down there and light it yourself.
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The Language of Science |
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The
following list of phrases and their definitions might help
you nderstand the mysterious language of science. These special
phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation
or academic paper.
"IT
HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original
reference.
"A
DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically
meaningless.
"WHILE
IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE
QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope
to get it published.
"THREE
OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other
results didn't fit my theory.
"TYPICAL
RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE
RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get
around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN
MY EXPERIENCE"... Once
"IN
CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice
"IN
A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice
"IT
IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.
"IT
IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so,
too.
"CORRECT
WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.
"ACCORD1NG
TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.
"A
STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE
FINDINGS"... A wild guess.
"A
CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes
were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
"IT
IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE EQUIRED BEFORE A
COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I
don't understand it
"AFTER
ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand
it either.
"THANKS
ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO
CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS" ... Mr. Blotz did
the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A
HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally
useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT
IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN
THIS FIELD"... I quit.
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Dave Barry |
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News, sports and entertainment from MiamiHerald.com
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<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, January 6, 1985)</em><br />I have never gotten into wine. I'm a beer man. What I like about beer is, you basically just drink it, then you order another one. You don't sniff at it, or hold it up to the light and slosh it around, and above all you don't drone on and on about it, the way people do with wine. Your beer drinker tends to be a straightforward, decent, friendly, down-to-earth person who enjoys talking about the importance of relief pitching,...
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As you are no doubt aware, a Bengal tiger got loose on Jungle Island over the weekend. Tragically, the tiger did not eat a single member of the cast of Jersey Shore. It did, however, cause panic among the tourists, who were no doubt hoping to experience a more traditional type of animal attraction, the type where you, the visitor, are on one side of the fence, and the 500-pound carnivore with teeth like steak knives is on the other side of the fence.
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<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, April 27, 1997)</em><br />
It is time once again for "Ask Mister Language Person, " the only grammar column to have won both the Nobel Prize for Literature and the Indianapolis 500.
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<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, September 28, 1986)</em><br />We're taking our son, Robby, to his first day of kindergarten. He is being Very Brave. So are we.
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<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, February 19, 1989)</em><br />I'm swimming about 20 feet below the surface of the Atlantic, a major ocean. I'm a little nervous about this. For many years my philosophy has been that if God had wanted us to be beneath the surface of the ocean, He would never have put eels down there.
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<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, March 26, 1995)</em><br />As an American, I am ticked off about Sailor Moon. <br />What is Sailor Moon, you ask? Shut up and I will tell you.
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<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, October 16, 1983)</em><br />I was nervous about interviewing the governor of Florida. Usually when reporters interview the governor, they ask questions that reveal a detailed knowledge of the issues
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Here's how I pictured my African safari: I'd sit inside a sturdy, enclosed, animal-proof vehicle, and I'd be driven around to picturesque places to observe exotic creatures participating in the Circle of Life by eating each other.
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<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, July 27, 1986)</em><br />I have a letter here from Mrs. Belle Ehrlich, of San Jose, Calif., who feels I should get a new hairdo. To quote her directly: "I enjoy reading most of your columns . . . but your hairdo in your photo sure looks DATED and NOT at all flattering or becoming, to say the least. If you are still sporting that awful hairdo, I suggest you go to a good hair stylist to give you a new and better hairdo. I hope you don't mind my criticism, it's...
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<em>(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Friday, February 23, 2007)</em><br />We need to find it, dig it up, and get rid of it. I'm talking about the South Florida Giant Underground Weirdness Magnet. It's buried around here somewhere. It has to be. How else can you explain why so many major freak-show news stories either happen, or end up, in South Florida?
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Transport... |
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Gentlemen,
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am
tired
of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think
the transportation system is worse that that enjoyed by people 2,000
years
ago.
Yours truly,
A Commuter
Dear Sir,
We received your
letter with reference to the shortcomings of ourservice and believe you are
somewhat confused in your history. The
only mode of transportation 2,000
years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
The
Railroad
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you
are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the
Bible, Book of
David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on
his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on
your
train in the last two years!
Your truly,
A
Commuter
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Back in New York |
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"It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation
has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane I saw the
pilot putting the 'club' on the steering wheel."
--John Mendoza
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You Know You're From Johannesburg When... |
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The one about being a New Yorker was funny… I’m not sure about this one.
§ The person in front of you in traffic this morning was hijacked and you got irritated because you missed the traffic light. § While eating dinner a news item comes on TV about a family of six slaughtered in their home, and you ask someone to pass you the salt. § You never think of taxis in terms of 'public transport'. § You have a minimum of five worst taxi stories. § While waiting at the ATM the bank is robbed by armed gunmen, but you'll be damned if you're going to lose your place in the queue. § You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you. § The last time you drove your car without swearing at someone was when you took your driving test. § It takes you an hour and a half to drive 5km to work in the morning and you think "wow, good traffic day." § Every time you find your car parked where you left it you are genuinely surprised. § You've never been to Melville or Rockey St but love Sandton City. § You can get into a four-hour argument about the quickest way out of Sunninghill after work on a Friday, but can't find Boksburg on a map. § Prostitutes and the homeless are invisible. § You've seriously considered shooting someone. § You have more barbed wire around your home than Diepkloof Prison. § You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression. § You consider a postage-stamp sized patch of grass a garden. § You consider Midrand the 'countryside'. § You happily pay R3500.00 a month for a townhouse in the north the size of a cupboard, but think R2.50 for a loaf of bread is a disgrace. § The last time you visited the coast you paid more in accumulated speeding fines than you did for the entire holiday. § Your monthly car insurance is more than most of the people in SA's car repayments. § What are stars? § You own hiking boots and a 4x4, neither of which have ever touched dirt. § You actually take fashion seriously. § Being truly alone makes you 'go for your gun'. § You have 20 different menus next to your phone. § SA south of the Vaal is still theoretical to you. § You can carry R350 worth of groceries in one plastic bag. § You don't hear gunfire anymore. § You get a call at 4am in the morning from your buddy asking you for directions to @115... and you explain it to him not with streets, but with "landmarks" § While going under the Caltex Star Stop Bridge on the N1 towards Joburg, you catch the first glimpse of the outline of the city, and you think - aaaah, home. § You're sitting in your car, gunshots go off in the middle of the street and everyone just casually looks around and continues their daily routine. § ou greet the windscreen-washing man at the robot of Glenhove and the onramp to the M1 north by his name. § Even the police pause momentarily at a red light before driving on late at night, so as to avoid being victim of hijacking. § You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Johannesburg. |
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Friendly Bears |
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On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?" After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!" At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?" |
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Being Late |
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At the prestigious university I attend, there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace. It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running. "Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?" "Well," mused the unperturbed young man... "first they saluted, then they asked, 'How are you this morning, sir?'" |
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Satan and the Old Man! |
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Just minutes before the church services started the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the oldman and said, "Don't you know who I am ? The man replied, "Yep, sure do. " "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked "Nope, sure ain't" said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?" "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?", asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for nigh on 48 years !!! " |
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Dentist |
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A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth." "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." "Yes, I know." "So, why did you come in here?" "The light was on." |
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Philosophy |
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An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?" |
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- URBANE NEWS - 
